Sadness

I may have never experienced quite so deep a sadness as I am today. 

Today is my son's 16th birthday.  We are coming on a year of devastatingly reduced capacity and engagement.  It has been a year punctuated by trials of tens of medications, reducing his freedoms, limiting his travels, shrinking his world and generally taking his life away little by  little.  There have been bathroom accidents, violent outbursts and unprovoked attacks, limited or no conversation, no engagement and limited hygiene.  We're having his braces removed because he stopped brushing his teeth.  We have given him a "medic alert" bracelet because he wanders and does not speak.  He's having an MRI because we don't know what else to do.

One year.

Wasted.

Lost.

I am tired of this and I want him back as he was. Now.  What has he done to deserve this torture?

Steady - That's About It

We've been at 45mg of Remeron and 300mg of Neurontin twice a day and things are pretty much the same.  A few words every few days.  Little else.  Still anxious and agitated.  No real conversation or communication.  Still perseverating.

I'm thinking about 2 things. 

1. Going back to check if very low doses of things we have already tried can help.  Specifically Prozac, Seroquel, Effexor and Geodon saw short periods of "awakening" as we either tailed off or built up.
2. Schedule an MRI.  I mean why not?  If there are structural problems in his brain there's nothing we'll be able to do but, I suppose, at least we'll know.