I may have never experienced quite so deep a sadness as I am today.
Today is my son's 16th birthday. We are coming on a year of devastatingly reduced capacity and engagement. It has been a year punctuated by trials of tens of medications, reducing his freedoms, limiting his travels, shrinking his world and generally taking his life away little by little. There have been bathroom accidents, violent outbursts and unprovoked attacks, limited or no conversation, no engagement and limited hygiene. We're having his braces removed because he stopped brushing his teeth. We have given him a "medic alert" bracelet because he wanders and does not speak. He's having an MRI because we don't know what else to do.
One year.
Wasted.
Lost.
I am tired of this and I want him back as he was. Now. What has he done to deserve this torture?
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Manifestations
One of the interesting things about my son's obsession is the manner in which it is manifested in his behavior.
As I previously indicated, his gym teacher died of a heart attack. My son has decided that he, too, is a candidate for this sort of cardiac incident. He will ask anyone and everyone if they think he will have a heart attack. The absurdity of this lies in the fact that he is about 5 foot seven and weighs just over 100 pounds. He could be a Super Model. Beyond that, he eats like a healthy adult in that if given the choice between a large chocolate chip cookie and a handful of strawberries, or even a tomato, he will choose the fruit every time.
In addition, because he has heard that heart attacks can be caused by stress, he has decided that he leads a stressful existence. He believes that his stress is carried in his belly and spends much time showing people (again, all people - any people) his belly and asking "Do you think I have stress?" or "Can you make my stress go away?" This unusual behavior leaves most people puzzled. Adults tend to be puzzled yet understanding - peers tend to be puzzled and frightened.
Someone, at some time in his obsessive period told him that "Every one is made to die. There's nothing you can do about it, honey. It's been like that for billions of years." These three phrases are often repeated without stop when he goes through psychotic episodes. (More on those later). Otherwise the phrase comes up when he believes he is not getting answers from those to whom he is speaking or when he is feeling otherwise frustrated.
His total obsession with death has left him non-functional in ways that he formerly excelled. He was tidy and near fastidious. He cared about his clothing and hygiene. He also did many chores around the house including cleaning and taking out the garbage. In fact, once a neighbor noticed that the garbage bins were out early and asked if I was home. He told them that he did it and went on to say that he "does everything in that house." All that has fallen by wayside as he became consumed with death and dying.
He also often aimlessly wanders out of the house without notice or warning and twice became so lost that he didn't know where he was even though he was 2 blocks from the house. This, again, from a boy who often rode his bike up to 8 miles away on a whim and made his way back without the aid of a map.
So that's where we're at. His world has been closed down to a tiny speck that is entirely consumed with death with no room for any other thoughts. Interestingly, though, the death concept neither includes thoughts of suicide nor any other manner of embracing death. Rather it is pure fear based. He doesn't want to die...he wants to live forever.
Of course, the contradiction of leading an awful, pitiful life consumed by death yet wanting to live forever is entirely lost on him.
As I previously indicated, his gym teacher died of a heart attack. My son has decided that he, too, is a candidate for this sort of cardiac incident. He will ask anyone and everyone if they think he will have a heart attack. The absurdity of this lies in the fact that he is about 5 foot seven and weighs just over 100 pounds. He could be a Super Model. Beyond that, he eats like a healthy adult in that if given the choice between a large chocolate chip cookie and a handful of strawberries, or even a tomato, he will choose the fruit every time.
In addition, because he has heard that heart attacks can be caused by stress, he has decided that he leads a stressful existence. He believes that his stress is carried in his belly and spends much time showing people (again, all people - any people) his belly and asking "Do you think I have stress?" or "Can you make my stress go away?" This unusual behavior leaves most people puzzled. Adults tend to be puzzled yet understanding - peers tend to be puzzled and frightened.
Someone, at some time in his obsessive period told him that "Every one is made to die. There's nothing you can do about it, honey. It's been like that for billions of years." These three phrases are often repeated without stop when he goes through psychotic episodes. (More on those later). Otherwise the phrase comes up when he believes he is not getting answers from those to whom he is speaking or when he is feeling otherwise frustrated.
His total obsession with death has left him non-functional in ways that he formerly excelled. He was tidy and near fastidious. He cared about his clothing and hygiene. He also did many chores around the house including cleaning and taking out the garbage. In fact, once a neighbor noticed that the garbage bins were out early and asked if I was home. He told them that he did it and went on to say that he "does everything in that house." All that has fallen by wayside as he became consumed with death and dying.
He also often aimlessly wanders out of the house without notice or warning and twice became so lost that he didn't know where he was even though he was 2 blocks from the house. This, again, from a boy who often rode his bike up to 8 miles away on a whim and made his way back without the aid of a map.
So that's where we're at. His world has been closed down to a tiny speck that is entirely consumed with death with no room for any other thoughts. Interestingly, though, the death concept neither includes thoughts of suicide nor any other manner of embracing death. Rather it is pure fear based. He doesn't want to die...he wants to live forever.
Of course, the contradiction of leading an awful, pitiful life consumed by death yet wanting to live forever is entirely lost on him.
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